


On The Road

by earthshocked



Series: A Study In John's Patience [1]
Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Crack, Humour, Johnlock (implied), M/M, Mystrade (Implied) - Freeform, Road Trip, crack!fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-19
Updated: 2013-11-09
Packaged: 2017-12-29 20:34:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,901
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1009796
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/earthshocked/pseuds/earthshocked
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Greg Lestrade decides he's had enough of Sherlock, Donovan and Anderson's bickering, and he makes them go on a road trip so they can 'bond'. Of course, it goes terribly wrong, but what does one really expect when you keep Sherlock Holmes in a confined space for 3 days?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Day One

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own Sherlock or any of its characters.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own BBC Sherlock or any of its characters
> 
> This fic was inspired by The Road Trip series by stupid_drawings

Thursday - Lunchtime  
Greg Lestrade tapped his fingers on the desk as the phone rang. On the fourth ring Sherlock Holmes picked up. "Hello?"  
"Sherlock," said Greg.  
"Yes, you rang me, I answered. What do you want?" asked an irritated voice.  
"We're going on a road trip," explains the D.I.  
"Why?"  
"Because I'm fed up with you arguing with Anderson and Donovan all the time."  
Sherlock sighs. "How will that help?"  
"Well it'll be like... I don't know, a bonding thingy." Silence on the other line.  
"Fine. Can John come?" Sherlock says eventually. Lestrade hears John in the background, saying "Can I come to what?" to which Sherlock replies "Ssh, John. I'm talking to Lestrade."  
"Alright, if it'll keep you happy. Maybe you should bring that girl from the morgue. Molly. She can help clean up all the bodies afterwards," Greg jokes.  
Sherlock snorts. "When?"  
"I'll pick you up tomorrow at half past four. Make sure you're ready," Lestrade tells Sherlock firmly. Sherlock hangs up, leaving Lestrade to break the news to Anderson and Donovan.

* * *

  
Day 1 - Friday  
1:00pm  
John is checking Sherlock's bag to see if he has actually packed any clothes. He finds a Bunsen burner, John's set of surgical scalpels which went missing about a week ago, Sherlock's laptop, a large length of rope, a bra (whose?!) John's red pants (!), and two large packets of chocolate buttons - Sherlock recently discovered chocolate buttons and is trying to eat 30 years' worth of them now to make up for not knowing about them. John sighs and begins to repack Sherlock's bag. He also leaves a note in it saying 'BEHAVE!!' and some sort of murder book that will keep Sherlock amused for approximately 12 minutes.

1:16pm  
Sherlock knows that John has unpacked his bag, but he supposes that he _will_  need clothes, so he doesn't bother to repack it. As long as he didn't touch the chocolate buttons.

1:38pm  
John has finally snapped. He has put up with 20 minutes of Sherlock taking saliva, hair and skin samples, but he draws the line at urine samples. He tells this to Sherlock who absentmindedly nods his head and wanders off. John doesn't want to know what he's doing but whatever it is involves a strange burning smell. John considers this and decides that he still doesn't want to know what it is.

1:39pm  
The burning smell is growing stronger.

1:40pm  
John goes into the kitchen for a cup of tea and discovers the curtains have been burnt to a crisp and are now lying on the floor, blackened and significantly more holey than before. John doesn't see the point in shouting at Sherlock. He makes his tea and goes back to the living room.

1:44pm  
John remembers that he had pegged a ￡50 note that he had accidentally put through the wash to the curtain railings so it would dry out. Suddenly he sees the point in shouting at Sherlock.

1:50pm  
All the shouting and the still very thick smoke in the kitchen has given John a headache. He goes to bed to sleep for a bit - who knows, it could be the last time for a couple of days he actually gets to sleep.

2:59pm  
John wakes up to find Sherlock smuggling some body parts into his bag. He tells him that all body parts are strictly banned. Sherlock glares at him but puts the body parts back in the fridge. He reminds Sherlock that Molly is coming in half an hour and receives a glare in response. Sherlock asks why Lestrade can't pick Molly up from her house. John tells him it is to save Lestrade's petrol. Sherlock tells him that he doesn't care about Lestrade's petrol. John goes back to sleep, against his better judgement.

3:20pm  
John is woken up by Sherlock shaking him. Sherlock tells him that he made toast and holds out a plate of slightly burnt toast with jam on it. Surprisingly, it's not that bad. Sherlock is watching John eat the toast when the doorbell rings. Sherlock does not move. John complains about Sherlock never doing anything and shuffles off to open the door. It is Molly - Sherlock had texted her and told her to come to Baker Street before Greg picked them up.

3:22pm  
Sherlock observes that Molly has a new boyfriend as soon as she walks into the room. John mouths 'be nice' to Sherlock behind her back. Sherlock takes a packet of chocolate buttons out of his pocket and offers it around. Molly takes one to be polite and sits down awkwardly as Sherlock stares at her.

3:25pm  
Both Sherlock and Molly leave the room.

3:27pm  
The pair return. Sherlock has his bag with him now. John eyes it suspiciously but says nothing.  
3:31pm  
To break the uncomfortable silence, John has gone to extreme measures. Extreme measures means taking the Cluedo board off the wall and looking for all the pieces.

3:35pm  
John has found all of the cards and Mrs Plum. He cannot find anyone else.

3:37pm  
John has given up the hunt and replaced his and Molly's counters (Sherlock, of course, instantly claimed Mrs Plum) with a 2p coin and a pencil sharpener.

3:44pm  
The Cluedo board is back on the wall with a considerable amount of new stab marks in it. Sherlock is sulking because the murderer is not the dog.

3:45pm  
Sherlock is sulking even more because John says there is no dog in Cluedo. He yells that the rules do not specifically state that there is no dog, and anyway, the rules are wrong.

3:50pm  
Molly offers to make tea. John gratefully accepts this offer. No one usually makes tea for him.

3:54pm  
Molly comes back carrying three cups of tea at once. John marvels at her tea-carrying skills. Molly does not mention the curtains.

4:02pm  
Molly cannot think of things to talk about. She mentions the curtains. John says there was an accident.

4:16pm  
Sherlock has got his violin out. He is playing a loud, tuneless and irritating piece of 'music'. Molly wonders how John lives with him. John wonders _why_  he lives with him.

4:22pm  
John's threats to snap Sherlock's bow were very effective.

4:27pm  
John is checking Sherlock to see if he has any body parts secreted about his person. After a quick check, John tells Sherlock he is officially free of body parts. Sherlock tells John that he is officially an idiot.

4:30pm  
Greg arrives right on time, already with Anderson and Donovan, driving a very large campervan. Inside, there is a small kitchen area containing a basic oven, a microwave, a sink, and a small cupboard which Greg appears to have stocked with food. For a 'bathroom', there is a tiny shower, sink and toilet. In total, there is bedding for three people - a small bed above the driver's and passenger's seat (which Sherlock always thought was a bit perilous and a bad idea), and a fold-out double bed which folds back into seats with a flap-down table. All in all, it's a nice, convenient little vehicle. John is, again, impressed. He tells this to Greg.

4:32pm  
They are just about to leave when Sherlock has to go back up to the flat to get his phone and his scarf.

4:36pm  
Sherlock comes back wearing his scarf and has his phone in his hand. John asks if he locked the flat again. Sherlock hasn't locked the flat, so John goes and locks it.

4:37pm  
Neither Sherlock nor Anderson are pleased to see each other and they are currently sitting opposite one another, seemingly having a glaring contest.

4:52pm  
Just before they leave, Greg asks for a word with Sherlock. They excuse themselves and stand outside the campervan. Greg explains that he didn't actually mean that Sherlock should invite Molly. Sherlock does not understand. Greg explains that it was a joke, but supposes it would be rude to say she can't come now. Sherlock huffs off back into the campervan, silently vowing to pickpocket him later.

5:04pm  
They are finally on the road. Sally, Anderson and John are having a slightly awkward conversation since Sally and Anderson don't know John very well. Sherlock is observing that Sally went round to Anderson's house last night, Molly is trying to think of something to say to Sherlock, and Greg is concentrating on not crashing into things.

5:14pm  
John asks where the campervan came from. Greg tells him that he hired it and managed to get the Yard to write it off as a business expense. John is even more impressed.

5:32pm  
Greg pulls into a restaraunt parking lot and says he can't be bothered to cook. No one else volunteers to cook. It is an unspoken rule that Sherlock won't be allowed in the kitchen, and nobody wants to eat something that Anderson's cooked.

5:49pm  
Sherlock has been slapped by a waitress who doesn't appreciate being told that her boyfriend is cheating on her with another waitress. John wonders if it will bruise and secretly hopes so. Sherlock deserves a bit of payback sometimes.

6:45pm  
Their tea has only just arrived after 55 minutes and everyone suspects that it's something to do with the Sherlock-waitress incident. Sherlock gets into an argument with Anderson about how long it takes a severed arm to decompose and starts throwing chips at him. After a while, Anderson starts trying to catch them in his mouth and Sherlock's plan backfires

7:14pm  
A different waitress comes back, looks at all the chips on the floor in disgust and asks them what dessert they would like. Molly orders a fruit salad (and Sherlock tells the whole table that Molly is on a diet), Greg has an ice cream sundae, as does John. Anderson and Sally both order a berry pie each but decide that 'it would be cheaper to share' so they order one between them. Sherlock laughs and orders the chocolate mudcake and tells the waitress to put lots of extra whipped cream.

7:25pm  
Their dessert arrives. Sherlock eats everything on his plate except for the whipped cream. When asked why he doesn't eat it he tells them he doesn't like whipped cream. He waits for Anderson and Sally to finish their dessert and when they have, Sherlock carefully scoops up all the whipped cream on his plate and smears it all over Anderson's face. Greg is not impressed and wonders what he was thinking when he decided to take not only Sherlock, but also Anderson, on a road trip. Sally goes to lick the cream off Anderson's face but everyone tells them to get a room. Sherlock announces loudly that he is going to the toilets, and about 10 seconds afterwards, John follows. Everyone exchanges knowing looks until Anderson gets up and tells them he's going to wash the cream off his face.

7:34pm  
Sherlock and John come back.

7:39pm  
Anderson is not back.

7:43pm  
Anderson is still not back.

7:45pm  
Anderson is _still_  not back.

7:52pm  
Greg goes to the toilets to look for Anderson.

8:01pm  
Greg and Anderson come back. Greg looks slightly amused but is trying to hide it. Anderson looks slightly crumpled. It turns out that Sherlock and John somehow managed to fit Anderson into the cupboard under the sink and locked him in there by tying rope through the handles so he couldn't open the doors.

8:07pm  
Greg is paying for the dinner and wondering why Sherlock had rope with him (it wouldn't be John's, John is too normal. Well, semi-normal at least), while Anderson is trying to glare at both John and Sherlock at the same time. Sally and Molly are talking. John is surprised - he didn't think they would get on. He hears Sally admit that Sherlock has nice cheekbones and Molly giggles.

8:10pm  
Everyone is back in the campervan. Molly offers to drive.

8:14pm  
Sherlock has discovered the note from John in his bag. He rips it up into small pieces and puts it in John's tea when he's not looking.

8:16pm  
John chokes on a small, unexpected piece of paper in his tea. He suspects that Sherlock has put it there.

8:18pm  
John goes to shout at Sherlock for putting small bits of paper in his tea.

8:27pm  
John can't find the milk for his tea. While he looks for it, he sees that there is a mini fridge that he somehow didn't notice before. He opens it and finds it well stocked - by Greg, he assumes - and retrieves the milk. He also discovers a WHOLE human leg. After asking a few people if they knew who brought it here - he's _sure_  that he checked that Sherlock didn't have any stray body parts with him before they left - he learns that Sherlock paid Molly £200 to bring him a leg. John doesn't blame her - £200 is a lot of money just for a leg - especially since Sherlock usually gets the body parts for free from someone who 'owes him a favour'.

8:30pm  
Anderson wants a shower, which means that Sherlock now also wants a shower, even though he had one this morning. Anderson finally wins the argument by taking the leg out of the fridge, throwing it across the caravan and rushing to the bathroom and locking the door while Sherlock retrieves his precious leg.

8:34pm  
Sherlock is doing something to the bathroom door.

8:36pm  
The thing that Sherlock is doing to the door is gluing it. He has, of course, got glue with him, and is squeezing glue onto the hinges, which will hopefully - or hopefully not, depending whose side you're on - glue the door shut. John hopes the glue isn't quick-dry.

8:42pm  
Greg has fallen asleep and Sally is waiting for Anderson to get out of the shower. John wonders if Molly would like some company so he makes two cups of tea and takes one to her, keeping the other for himself. John checks to see that Sherlock isn't listening before he tells Molly that she shouldn't take Sherlock's words to heart. He still feels bad for her after the Christmas thing. She tells him she'll try not to in future, and John can tell she doesn't want to talk about it. He gets up from the passenger seat and goes to see whether Anderson has escaped from the bathroom yet. Sherlock is lying smugly on the bed pretending to read. Sally is giving the bathroom door a strange look as Anderson is rattling it. John sighs. Apparently, the glue _is_  quick-dry. He would like to know where Sherlock gets glue that strong.

8:47pm  
After about 5 minutes of Anderson rattling the lock about (in an increasingly noisy fashion), Greg wakes up and asks what's going on. Sherlock is still pretending to read his book and Sally doesn't know what's going on, so John explains that Anderson can't get out of the bathroom. Greg wonders if this has something to do with Sherlock, but he's too tired to do anything about it.

9:00pm  
Greg gets fed up of the rattling and tries to bust the door open. Eventually he does and a very annoyed Anderson emerges.

9:28pm  
Sherlock has read three and a half chapters of the book. He throws the book at John's head and informs him the murderer was the daughter. John just says 'sour grapes' to Sherlock. Sherlock tells John that that doesn't even make sense. Anderson tells John that Sherlock is right and both Sherlock and John tell Anderson to shut up.

9:41pm  
Anderson tries to microwave a tin of dinosaur spaghetti. Including the tin. The microwave starts sizzling and sparking, as microwaves do when metal is placed inside them. John gives Anderson a strange look. Sally realises what he has done and jumps up to turn it off. She tells Anderson that he knows nothing and dumps the spaghetti into a bowl. Anderson resumes his microwaving.

9:42pm  
Anderson starts making a very strange noise, along the lines of AARCGHH!! AAARCGHH!! AARCGHH!! Everyone looks at him and Molly even pulls over to see what's going on. She comes back from the driver's seat and asks what the noise is.  Anderson coughs loudly and Greg realises he's choking. He places his arms just below Anderson's ribs and actually does the Heimlich manoeuvre on him, resulting in a pasta triceratops flying out of his mouth. Molly tuts and goes back to driving.

9:57pm  
As Greg thought, they arrive at the camping grounds at around 10pm. Everyone sits round the table with various hot drinks. Much to Sherlock's amusement, Anderson has what John and Molly are calling a 'fluffy' which is just heated milk frothed up. Sherlock then tries to tell a joke. It doesn't go well. He asks why the chicken crossed the road, and anyone who answers 'to get to the other side' is instantly rendered an idiot. Sherlock explains a complicated string of reasons why a chicken would not or could not cross a road that nobody understands. Anderson laughs.

10:07pm  
Everyone decides it's best to go to bed now because a) they are tired, b) they don't want to hear any more of Sherlock's jokes and c) Sherlock is driving first in the morning and they need to be well-rested to minimise shouting. Sherlock is not impressed, complaining that he doesn't normally go to sleep this early and that it's 'boring', but John explains that one must be 'fresh' and 'alert' to drive a vehicle containing 6 people.

10:10pm  
With a large amount of complaining on Sherlock's part, the sleeping arrangements are decided. The fold-up table is folded away and John, Greg, Sherlock and Anderson manage to squeeze onto the beds-that-can-also-be-seats that are often found in campervans such as this one. Sherlock is glad that they all own separate sleeping bags. He shudders at the thought of Anderson and him having physical contact. Molly and Sally are crammed precariously onto the bed above the cab.

10.12pm  
Greg and John hope there are no nighttime incidents. Sherlock hopes there are nighttime incidents involving Anderson. Anderson is asleep. Molly is trying not to be pushed off the edge of the bed. Sally is enjoying all the space she has.

11:47pm  
John is sure he hears Sherlock get up, but he ignores him and goes back to sleep.


	2. Day Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Day two of the failing road trip. John finds something in his sleeping bag, Molly bribes Sherlock to eat something with a lung, Sherlock nearly runs over a sheep, and Anderson finds some new dinosaur friends. Not to mention the kitten.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own Sherlock or any of its characters, unfortunately.  
> Thanks for all your lovely comments!

6:56am  
John rubs his eyes. Sherlock's arm is on his face. Anderson and Greg are still asleep. John can just make out the time on Sherlock's watch - it's 5 to 7. John thinks he should wake Sherlock up as they want to leave at around 8 and Sherlock likes to spend a good 20 minutes in the shower. John stretches, but freezes when his arm brushes something cold and soft. He isn't sure he wants to know what it is, but he bravely takes a look.  
  
6:57am  
It's the leg.  
John lets out a very loud scream.  
  
6:58am  
Everyone is well and truly awake now.  
  
7:12am  
John is trying to get Sherlock to eat some toast, using the excuse that he's a doctor and he knows what he's talking about. Sherlock says he's not hungry.  
  
7:14am  
Molly has bribed Sherlock to eat something with promises of a lung when they get back.  
  
7:20am  
Sherlock is having a shower while the others are having seconds at the breakfast table. Except for Molly, who is thankful that Sherlock is in the shower instead of telling everybody about her diet.  
  
7:37am  
Everyone is up and ready to go except for Sherlock, who is still in the shower.  
  
7:46am  
The shower has stopped running but Sherlock is still in the bathroom.  
  
7:52am  
Much to everyone's amusement, Sherlock has exited the bathroom with his hair in rollers. They soon stop laughing when they remember whose turn it is to drive.  
  
8:02am  
They are once again on the road. Sherlock is driving and John is in the passenger seat to keep an eye on him. Sherlock has taken 4 cups of tea with him, insisting that he must 'stay hydrated'.  
  
8:24am  
Sherlock needs to go to the toilet. Greg says that Sherlock can wait until they get to a gas station because they need to refuel anyway. Sherlock glares severely at him and Greg tells him that it's his own fault for drinking so much tea. This earns him another glare until John has to grab the steering wheel because Sherlock is glaring and not looking at the road. Greg goes to look at the map.  
  
8:31am  
When they arrive at a Shell station, Sherlock leaps out of the door and almost sprints towards the toilets. John wonders if this is the closest to showing emotion that Sherlock has ever been. Greg goes in to pay for the fuel and John goes in too. He picks up some chocolate bars, crisps and drinks for everyone, just because he's a nice person. When he gets back, Sherlock is sitting there acting like nothing ever happened. John opens his mouth to enquire about the detective's bladder but Sherlock glares at him so ferociously that John shuts his mouth.  
  
8:34am  
Sherlock has managed to get a whole Snickers bar in his mouth. John tells him that this is a waste and that Sherlock should 'savour the flavour'. Sherlock laughs and calls John an idiot.  
  
8:47am  
Molly brings them some more tea. John gratefully accepts it but Sherlock has decided he is hydrated enough for now.  
  
8:52am  
Sherlock has just remembered that he hasn't taken his rollers out yet. He also remembers that he went into the gas station with them in his hair. That explains the large amount of giggling that was going on. He makes John take them out.  
  
8:53am  
John has discovered that Sherlock has very soft hair.  
  
9:04am  
John goes to lie down on the bed since he didn't get a lot of sleep last night, thanks to Sherlock's perpetual fidgeting.  He sends Anderson to the front so he and Sherlock can have an argument and keep Sherlock amused for a bit. He vaguely wonders if it's safe to have Sherlock being angry and driving at the same time.  
  
9:12am  
Sally, Molly and Greg are very bored. Molly suggests they play a game but nobody can think of any.  
  
9:15am  
They have made up a game called the Watson-Paper game (they can't be bothered to think of a better name). It is played by taking turns to place small pieces of paper over John's mouth and see who gets the paper the highest in the air when he snores. So far, Greg is winning with about 1 inch.  
  
9:17am  
Sally's piece of paper has fallen in John's mouth. Molly, Greg and Sally are debating whether they should leave it in there, or fish it out, or wake up John and tell him. Eventually, they come to the conclusion that it'll be fine where it is because a) If they wake up John, they will have to explain how the paper got there, and b) no one wants to put their fingers in John's mouth. They don't know where it's been.  
  
9:19am  
Sherlock and Anderson are having an interesting conversation about fingerprints at crime scenes and how Anderson once found fingerprints that were 2 years old. Sherlock tells him that this is because the crime scene had been preserved and no Andersons had previously been allowed near it. The conversation soon turns to a contest of who-can-make-up-the-best-insult. Sherlock seems to have a large section of his brain reserved especially for insults. Anderson is starting to struggle for insults and wonders where Sherlock is getting all his insults from. He is slightly impressed.  
  
9:26am  
Sherlock hears Sally say 'Freak' and strategically slams on the brakes so that she hits her head on the wall. This was the only desired effect, but other _un_ desired effects are that Molly was standing when he put the brakes on and she falls on top of John, who wakes up and is very cross, and Greg's coffee gets spilled, so Greg, Sally and John are all very annoyed, and Molly is turning red because of the position in which she fell on John.  Anderson accidentally bites his tongue and it starts bleeding, so he insists on seeing 'Doctor John', who has just found a small piece of paper in his mouth and is wondering how it got there.  
  
9:27am  
John is still in a bad mood and sarcastically tells Anderson to go and suck a lemon.  Anderson mistakes this as being a 'cure' for a bleeding tongue and goes off to look for a lemon.  
  
9:33am  
The closest thing to a lemon that Anderson can find is a packet of sherbet lemons. Anderson eats two amd his reaction is priceless. Lemon flavoured sherbet, mixed with a cut on your tongue, makes for a very distorted expression. Greg and John grab their phones and take a picture. Within 5 minutes, everybody from Scotland Yard has been emailed a picture of it, and John, Greg, Sally and Molly have posted it on facebook. Content that the picture has now been widely distributed across the net, they put their phones away and try to find something else to do.  
  
9:53am  
A sheep is standing in the road.  
  
9:55am  
After a very near miss with a sheep it is decided that Sherlock should stop driving. As he takes the wheel, John explains that one should at least _try_  and slow down if they see an animal standing in the middle of the road.  
  
10:22am  
Sherlock annoys Sally by staring intently at her without blinking for almost 2 minutes. Greg is amazed at Sherlock's ability to not blink. He tells Sherlock that he would be good with the Weeping Angels. Sherlock does not understand the reference and tells Greg that he is an idiot.  
  
10:29am  
Sherlock is gradually moving closer and closer to Sally and she is becoming increasingly worried.  
  
10:32am  
Sally draws the line at being sat on.  
  
10:49am  
John is still extremely tired and nearly falls asleep. Even though he has only been driving for about an hour, it is decided that they would be in safer hands if the driver was... Well, awake. It is now Anderson's turn to drive. Sherlock claims that they will all die. Fortunately everyone is slightly deprived of tea so John pulls into a carpark, delaying their apparent doom. John tells Sherlock to make everyone tea to make up for his being such a nuisance. After a lot of complaining, Sherlock puts the kettle on.

10:45am  
Besides Sherlock, Greg is the only one to take sugar in his tea. Sherlock contemplates this.  
  
10:47am  
Greg has discovered that tea is disgusting when two teaspoons of sugar have been replaced with two teaspoons of salt. He throws a soggy teabag at Sherlock and Molly has to intervene before Sherlock retaliates.  
  
10:49am  
John produces a packet of Jammy Dodgers from the cupboard and offers them around. Sherlock refuses to eat them on the grounds that they have an 'absurd' name. Greg tells Sherlock that _he_  has an absurd name and a sulk takes place.  
  
10:53am  
An argument about who will wash up breaks out and there are a lot of insults being hurled between Sherlock and Anderson until John suggests a vote.  
  
10:54am  
Eveyone has voted for Sherlock except for himself, who voted for Anderson. Who isn't included because he's driving. Sherlock complains that everyone's being unfair but eventually stomps off to wash up. Anderson goes to drive and once again John, Molly, Sally and Greg are left to amuse themselves.  
  
10:48am  
Molly is thirsty again and goes to get her cup. Sally sees the potential for a new game and tells her to get a new one from the cupboard instead of reusing it. Sherlock is slightly annoyed.  
  
10:50am  
Greg makes himself a sandwich using as much cutlery as he can.  
  
10:52am  
John makes everyone more tea using clean cups and a separate spoon to stir each one.  
  
10:57am  
Sherlock has washed every glass, mug and piece of cutlery at least twice, along with a select few plates. He is starting to look like he might go into a rage.  
  
11:02am  
Sherlock goes into a rage when Greg wipes one of Anderson's socks over everything Sherlock has just washed. 3 cups and 1 plate get broken, the latter barely missing Sally's head.  
  
11:05am  
They stop at a gas station. Anderson sees a stuffed dinosaur toy and wants to buy it. Greg tries to talk him out of it, but there's no stopping Anderson once he's set his mind on something.  
  
11:08am  
Molly, Greg, Sherlock, John, Sally, Anderson and the dinosaur are back on the bus. The dinosaur is occupying the passenger seat and Anderson is mumbling softly to it. Molly overhears him telling it that Sherlock is just being mean when he says that stuffed dinosaurs cannot hear you speak.  
  
11:16am  
The dinosaur has been named Hamish (Sherlock's idea).  
  
11:27am  
The argument of what to have for lunch has started. Anderson wants McDonald's (to be more specific: a Happy Meal) but nobody else does, Molly and John want Subway, Greg wants fish and chips, Sally is undecided and Sherlock could not care less.  
  
11:48am  
A McDonald's has been sighted.  
  
11:51am  
After a lot of squabbling in the car park, the group enters the restaurant. John warns Sherlock to behave - Sherlock has already been banned from two McDonald's restaurants in London.  
  
11:52am  
Anderson orders his Happy Meal, looking pleased with himself, then the rest of the group order theirs, before abandoning Greg at the counter to claim a table.

11:54am  
Greg approaches their table juggling three trays and glaring at the deserters. Molly is impressed by Greg's tray-carrying skills.  
  
11:59am  
A collective sigh is heard from everyone that is not Anderson or Sherlock as another argument breaks out and the consulting detective once again resorts to throwing French fries at Anderson.  
  
12:10am  
They finish their meal and decide to leave before someone sees the mess that Sherlock has made. Sherlock, of course, has other ideas, and heads to the counter to buy a McFlurry.  
  
12:14am  
It is discovered that Anderson's Happy Meal toy is a dinosaur. His motivation to go to McDonald's has become clear. Sherlock purposefully eats his Oreo McFlurry. Greg is very jealous. Oreo is his favourite anything.  
  
12:28pm  
Back on the road, Anderson once again takes the wheel. Sherlock dramatically shrieks that they're all going to die.  
  
12:55pm  
Anderson has driven straight past the Shell station. The caravan is in urgent need of a refuel as Anderson used up a lot of fuel when he accidentally left the air conditioning on.  
  
12:57pm  
After doing a rather sharp U-turn (injuries: 2 bruises and an elbow to Sally's face), they pull into the station. Molly fuels up while Greg pays.  
  
1:03pm  
Anderson has gone to retrieve Hamish. Sherlock can throw surprisingly far when he does not want a stuffed toy to take part in conversations.  
  
1:15pm  
Anderson  is still driving, unfortunately. Even though they only just had lunch, everyone is snacking. Anderson has salt and vinegar crisps which he is sharing with the dinosaur when he thinks that Sherlock can't see. For some reason, John has a jar of jam and a spoon and Molly has an apple. Sherlock asks Molly how her diet is going.  
  
1:17pm  
Sherlock has learnt that if you ask someone how their diet is going, you will get slapped. He decides not to delete this particular piece of information.  
  
1:27pm  
John tells Sherlock that he should apologise. Sherlock thinks about this. He also thinks about why anyone would eat jam on its own.  
  
1:42pm  
John knew that it is not actually possible for Sherlock to be calm for more than 15 minutes. Sherlock made Anderson pull over and park outside a pet shop by holding Hamish out of an open window and saying 'pull over or the dinosaur gets it'.  
  
2:06pm  
Sherlock has emerged from the pet shop holding a suspicious looking cat carrier.  
  
2:08pm  
The suspicious looking cat carrier contains a small white kitten, which has been given to Molly as some sort of apology. Molly seems to accept this, as she has started talking to Sherlock again. Greg does not look pleased to have a live cat in the camper with him.  
  
2:21pm  
The kitten does not appear to like Sherlock. Nursing his arm, he scowls and stomps off to sulk.  
  
2:34pm  
Molly names the cat 'Colin.' Sherlock asks why someone would name a cat 'Colin'. Molly asks why someone would name a child 'Sherlock'.  
  
2:47pm  
Greg has mentioned that Sherlock looks like Khan from Star Trek: Into Darkness.  
  
2:49pm  
The conversation has turned to celebrity dopplegangers. Sherlock sulks because he doesn't know any celebrities. Sally thinks that John looks like the guy who played Bilbo Baggins in The Hobbit.  
  
2:52pm  
In a vain attempt to join in the conversation, Sherlock has googled 'celebrities that look like D.I. Greg Lestrade'. Finally John has a chance to turn the tables and call Sherlock stupid. After finding only pictures of random celebrities and news reports involving Lestrade, Sherlock gives up and throws a pair of nail scissors at John's head. They narrowly miss his nose. John is not happy.  
  
2:53pm  
Sherlock has been banned from throwing any solid object at anyone. Even Anderson.  
  
2:55pm  
Sherlock has tipped a glass of water over John's head, claiming 'it's not solid'. Sherlock has been banned from making any object, solid or liquid, come into contact with anything living on this bus. Sherlock asks if he can kill someone and then throw something at them, but Greg explains firmly that this is illegal.  
  
2:58pm  
Sherlock, John, Molly, Greg, Sally and Anderson have all received texts reading:  
Having fun? MH  
Sherlock replies:  
PISS OFF AND EAT SOME CAKE, MYCROFT. SH  
  
3:03pm  
Greg asks how Mycroft got their numbers. Sherlock tells not only Greg but everyone else within earshot that Mycroft already has Greg's number for a Reason, before giving him a knowing look. He then explains to the others that Mycroft literally _is_  the British government and has most of England's phone numbers, as well as several important persons'. John rolls his eyes - he's heard it all before. Nobody else is listening, they are too busy thinking about Greg and Mycroft. Greg tries in vain to assure the others that nothing is happening between him and Sherlock's brother.  
  
3:09pm  
Sherlock is bored, and, having no cases to work on, has found other ways to amuse himself. For example, singing. He gets as far as  
"Greg and Mycroft up a tree, K-I-S-" before John decided that enough is enough.  
  
3:13pm  
They pull over at Tesco's for a toilet stop and to buy food. Anderson buys two more stuffed dinosaurs for his collection. Greg buys several packs of beer.  
  
3:23pm  
Sherlock says that Anderson and Sally have something in common - a disease. They exchange Looks.  
  
3:24pm  
The so-called 'disease' is stupididty, according to the detective. Anderson and Sally glare at Sherlock.  
  
3:28pm  
John tells everyone that if they stop squabbling, he'll make cake when they get home. Everyone likes John's chocolate cake.  
  
3:30pm  
Sherlock asks when they will be home. John does not reply.  
  
3:33pm  
Sherlock asks if John will put chocolate buttons on the cake. He will.  
  
3:35pm  
Sherlock asks if John got the milk before they left. John slowly exhales.  
  
3:39pm  
John is very, very close to punching Sherlock in the face. He tells Sherlock this. Lestrade relaxes in his seat, ready to watch anything that's about to go down. He wonders how John puts up with Sherlock.  
  
3:42pm                                                                                                                                                                               
Greg, with a failed attempt to lighten the mood, starts singing _Bohemian Rhapsody_. Five people simultaneously tell him to shut up.  
  
3:45pm   
 John opens his bag and gets out a deck of cards. He asks what game they would like to play. Surprisingly, Molly suggests poker. Sally jokes about playing strip poker. Nobody laughs.  
  
3:57pm  
John has just finished explaining the rules to Sherlock, who has a lot of questions. Greg can't believe that Sherlock hasn't played poker before.  
  
4:16pm  
Molly is winning. Sherlock is not doing well at all.  
  
4:23pm  
There is a small array of cards stuck to wall with forks. John sighs and gets up to remove them. Greg yells at Sherlock for destroying the campervan and hopes that he does not have to pay for all the stab marks in the wall.  
  
4:34pm  
The kitten is meowing insistently. Molly wonders if he is hungry.  
  
4:40pm  
Anderson pulls into a Tesco's carpark and Molly goes in to find some cat food.  
  
4:47pm  
Colin is happily eating his food and purring.  
  
5:03pm  
Anderson has spotted a car boot sale. He swerves violently towards it and cat food spills everywhere. Greg sighs and wonders how much this is going to cost him. Anderson parks and practically forces everyone out of the vehicle, insisting that 'there will be cool dinosaur stuff!' John and Molly try to reason with him, saying that all the good stuff will be gone by now, but there's no stopping a determined Anderson.  
  
5:38pm  
Nearly 40 minutes later, Anderson has a good haul of dinosaur things. He smugly says 'told you so' to all who doubted (everyone).  
  
5:40pm    
Sally takes over driving in case there are any more car boot sales that Anderson suddenly decides he wants to go to.  
  
6:02pm                                    
After 20 minutes of silence, Greg starts singing again, this time Carry On Wayward Son by Kansas. Nobody bothers to stop him. John wonders what Greg is attempting to achieve.

6:03pm  
Sherlock is singing along with Greg. John is looking for his phone.

  
6:04pm                                                                 
 John is recording Sherlock as he is singing the chorus. John has to admit, Sherlock is actually quite a good singer.  
  
6:06pm                                                                   
John decides to forward the video of Sherlock singing to Mycroft. It's always useful to have the British government in your debt.  
  
6:22pm                                                                        
Sherlock challenges everybody to a chocolate button eating contest. Greg feels that this will end badly.  
  
6:34pm                                                              
Sherlock has sighted a Sainsbury's. He demands that Sally pulls over immediately, and he gleefully enters the shop.  
  
6:42pm                                                                          
Sherlock has returned holding fifteen bags of chocolate buttons. John jokingly asks whether Sherlock has enough.  
  
6:45pm                                                                              
The chocolate button eating competition has commenced.  
  
7:02pm                                                                      
Sherlock has eaten six and a half packets of chocolate buttons. Anderson has eaten five packets and is throwing up in the toilet. Greg and John have eaten one packet between the two of them and Molly is not participating because she is on a diet. Sally is glad she was left out of the competition because she is driving.  
  
7:11pm                                                                   
Anderson returns from the bathroom. Sherlock calls him a weakling.  
  
7:48pm                                                                               
Sally sees a camping ground up ahead and pulls into it. Sherlock looks annoyed, but suddenly perks up for no apparent reason. Greg looks worried.  
  
8:03pm                                                                          
As soon as Sally cuts the engine, Sherlock leaps out of the camper. John suspects it is something for 'science'. The rest of the group relax and revel in the lack of Sherlock.  
  
8:43pm                                                                          
John goes outside to find Sherlock. He sees him standing over by the coin operated barbeque area and he can smell a distinct scent of something burning which he chooses to ignore. He calls Sherlock back inside and says they're having chocolate buttons. This is a clever lie designed to lure Sherlock back into the camper.  
  
8:47pm                                                                     
Sherlock throws a tantrum  when he sees the lack of chocolate buttons. Molly consoles him by making him hot chocolate. Sherlock drinks it silently.  
  
9:00pm                                                                       
Sherlock goes to look in his bag for a packet of chocolate buttons. He offers one to Anderson who declines and turns slightly green, much to Sherlock's delight.  
  
9:13pm                                                                                
Even though it is still quite early, Sally declares she is tired and goes to bed. Molly soon follows, and it is just Greg, Sherlock, John and Anderson. Greg tries to talk to them about football, but Sherlock despises the sport and has banned John from watching it. Greg gives John a sympathetic look. Anderson prefers to watch Jurassic Park.  
  
9:21pm                                                                   
After sitting in silence for about ten minutes, it becomes too awkward and the men decide it's time for bed.  Sherlock says he doesn't want to sleep next to Anderson because he smells of sick.  
  
9:28pm                                                                            
John tells Sherlock that if he finds any limbs in his sleeping bag, he will shave Sherlock's head. Sherlock looks mildly terrified and John smiles smugly.


	3. Day Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Day three of the disastrous event that Greg is still daring to call a 'road trip'. Anderson and Sherlock wake up in a rather compromising position, Greg bitch slaps John, Sally is apparently the Wasp Master and Molly seems to ship Johnlock.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter three is up! sorry for such a long wait.

7:48am  
John wakes up and finds that he's having trouble breathing. He opens his eyes and sees that this is because Sherlock is sleeping on him. John shoves the detective onto Greg.  
  
7:52am  
Greg wakes up and finds that he's having trouble breathing. He opens his eyes and sees that this is because Sherlock is sleeping on him. Greg shoves the detective onto Anderson.  
  
8:02am  
Greg and John get up and eat their breakfast. They look thoughtfully at Sherlock and Anderson.  
  
8:09am  
Sherlock and Anderson have been rearranged in a rather compromising position. John and Greg both take photos and email them to everyone at the Yard, post them on facebook, the usual. Greg sends a picture to his boyfriend.  
  
8:15am  
Sally rolls over and Molly falls off the bed. Sherlock and Anderson do not wake up. Molly stands up and brushes herself off, but seems generally unharmed.  
  
8:17am  
Greg and John proudly show her their handiwork and Molly wakes up Sally to show her. Greg suspects that Molly is still pretty angry as she slaps Sally quite hard to wake her up.  
  
8:21am  
Sherlock and Anderson have finally woken up. Sherlock opens his eyes, then sits up so fast that he flings Anderson off the bed. Greg and John wonder if it is possible to die from laughing.  
  
8:34am  
Anderson is driving again. Sally says it's because he doesn't want to risk falling asleep again. Sherlock is not talking to Greg, John or Anderson. He actually asks Molly to ask John to pass him the butter. John can't believe how childish he is sometimes.  
  
9:04am  
After Molly has a shower, they set off again. Anderson has all his various dinosaur things piled up on the passenger seat.  
  
9:22am  
Sherlock receives a text message from Mycroft. It reads;  
How's your new boyfriend? I thought you were true to John. MH  
Sherlock deletes Mycroft's contact number.  
  
9:23am  
John receives a text message from Mycroft. It reads;  
How do you feel that you boyfriend is cheating on you? MH  
John unfriends Mycroft on facebook.  
  
9:34am  
Sherlock is doing something with the microwave and talking about spyware. Greg looks guilty.  
  
9:45am  
Sherlock says that there are several cameras installed in the camper and that he suspects that it is Mycroft's doing. Greg looks even more guilty.  
  
9:50am  
Sherlock, using a lot of threats, manages to get the truth out of Greg. It turns out that Mycroft bribed Greg to install cameras in the camper. Greg has no idea why, but thinks that he's probably just checking up on his little brother. Sherlock smiles smugly to himself and John imagines that he considers himself a master interrogator.  
  
9:54am  
Greg actually bitch slaps John when he calls Mycroft a creep. John rubs his cheek while Greg goes beet red when he realises what he just did. Molly says that there is no way that Mycroft and Greg are not dating. Sally cannot stop laughing. Sherlock thinks that John deserved it.  
  
10:12am  
Greg sights a starbucks and eagerly tells Anderson to park outside of it.  
  
10:16am  
Greg orders four coffees. He has not had starbucks in a long time (eight days). He happily sits down to drink them once they are back in the camper. Sherlock raises his eyebrow as he drinks his mochachinno.  
  
10:34am  
Greg has drunk three of the four cups of coffee. He needs to pee. Sherlock laughs maniacally as he remembers when Greg made him wait to get to the gas station. There are no gas stations in sight. Sherlock tells Greg that he must wait until they get to the gas station and laughs again.  
  
10:44am  
They are approaching a gas station when a car suddenly pulls out in front of their campervan. Anderson slams on the brakes and they skid to a halt, crashing into the back of the car. Greg accidentally spills his latte on his crotch.  
  
10:47am  
The six get out to survey the damage. Molly gasps and Anderson bites his lip. He knows that he will be in big trouble for this. Sherlock grins. He knows that Anderson will be in big trouble for this.  
  
10:53am  
The driver of the vehicle in question is a mean old lady who is most certainly not like old ladies should be. None of the group particularly like her except for Sherlock, and that's only because she is shouting at Anderson.  
  
11:04am  
The old lady has blamed Anderson for the accident, and because she's a little old lady, the police would rather believe her than Anderson.  
  
11:10am  
Fortunately Greg does have some authority, so he manages to escape the court case. He breathes a sigh of relief and glares at Anderson while a policewoman sifts through some files.  
  
11:47am  
After a lot of negotiating on Greg's part, the group are back in the now slightly-dented camper. Anderson has a ￡200 fine to pay. He has also been banned from driving, even though - as he rightly protests - it wasn't his fault. Molly takes over and Greg looks longingly at the fuel station which they have now decided not to visit, after the 'incident'.  
  
11:51am  
Sherlock has just realised that Greg still needs to pee. He grins villainously.  
  
11:53am  
Sherlock has a bottle of coke and is shaking it violently in Greg's ear. Greg tries to warn Sherlock that it will explode, but the so-called genius ignores him. Greg wishes he would stop because 1) he does really, really, really need to pee 2) he does not particularly want to be covered in coke and 3) he also doesn't want the interior of the camper covered in coke. Greg thinks again about all the damage fines he's already going to have to pay.  
  
11:55am  
John asks why Sherlock doesn't just use a bottle of water which will not explode. Sherlock replies that coke has more 'zazz' to it. John rolls his eyes and Greg glares at him for not stopping Sherlock.  
  
11:59am  
The coke bottle has exploded all over Sherlock and Greg. Greg feels like his bladder is going to do the same very soon.  
  
12:03pm  
They finally stop at a gas station. Greg has never felt more relieved.   
  
12:08pm  
Greg feels infinitely better, although he is still considerably sticky from the coke.  
  
12:10pm  
Sherlock and the D.I. have seen a new, sadistic side of Sally that they never want to see again. She has opened a window, allowing all manner of insects to come in. It is only a matter of time before a wasp finds its way in and is attracted to the sticky sugar coating the two men.  
  
12:12pm  
John is amazed how quickly a wasp turned up and thoughtfully wonders whether Sally is some sort of wasp master. Greg and the world's greatest detective are cowering in a corner.  
  
12:14pm  
Their attempts to hide have been proved futile. The wasp was attracted to their stickiness and Sherlock is swatting frantically at it. Greg appears to be texting Mycroft, possibly saying his last words. John takes note of the one thing that can scare Sherlock.  
  
12:17pm  
While the wasp is distracted by Sherlock's swatting, Greg jumps up and locks himself in the bathroom. John feels like he's going to wet himself laughing soon. Sherlock continues to try to drive away the 'demon bee', as he calls it, while quietly whimpering.  
  
12:21pm  
After a long and brave struggle, Sherlock has killed the wasp, after being stung twice. John tells Greg he can come out now and he cautiously exits the tiny bathroom.  
  
12:25pm  
Now that the wasp fiasco is over and the window is firmly shut, Greg looks angrily at Sherlock and and argument breaks out about whose fault the coke incident was. Greg does not even remotely see how it was his fault.   
  
1:02pm  
Sherlock complains about how Greg is not enforcing the law properly by making them wear their seatbelts. Greg points out that there are only four seatbelts and six of them. Sherlock scowls and says he should be demoted.  
  
1:26pm  
Molly pulls into a gas station to fuel up. She swaps with Sally and Sherlock and Greg breathe a sigh of relief.  
  
1:30pm  
John is eating noodles. Sherlock grabs a fork and starts to eat from John's bowl. John glares at him but doesn't say anything.  
  
1:31pm  
Anderson is secretly snapping pictures of the two as they eat the noodles. Greg giggles at them as he and Anderson email the photos to everyone that Sherlock has ever insulted.  
  
1:33pm  
Greg accidentally selects Sherlock as one of the recipients. He hopes that Sherlock does not check his emails often.  
  
1:34pm  
The inspector starts writing a text to Mycroft asking whether he could hack into Sherlock's email account and delete it, but Sherlock's iPhone is email enabled. Greg sighs as he hears a telltale 'bing' and Sherlock checks his phone.  
  
1:35pm  
Sherlock puts down his fork to glare at Greg.  
  
1:32pm  
Sherlock and John are sitting at the table together communicating quietly. After a lot of secretive whispering with Anderson and Greg, Molly approaches them and sits down at the table with them.  
  
1:36pm  
After several minutes, Sherlock looks up expectantly and asks what Molly wants. The pathologist enquires about the status of their relationship and John politely tells her to keep out of other people's business and kindly bugger off. Molly is laughing too hard to be offended.  
  
1:41pm  
Molly approaches the pair again and asks if they are a couple. Sherlock resists the urge to fight her.  
  
1:43pm  
Molly has not asked again, but has taken to watching Sherlock and John like a hawk. John eyes hers suspiciously.  
  
1:45pm  
Molly has gone to talk to Sally. John feels vaguely worried.  
  
1:52pm  
Sherlock stands up just as Sally turns a corner extremely sharply. Sherlock falls on top of John and Molly giggles quietly to herself.  
  
2:12pm  
Sherlock has discovered another of Mycroft's cameras. He is trying to disable it.  
  
2:16pm  
After a few failed attempts to incapacitate the camera in a civil manner, Sherlock smashes it with the handle of a spoon.  
  
2:18pm  
Sherlock receives a text message from Mycroft:  
That was rather rude. I was just checking up on you. MH  
  
2:31pm  
Sherlock has found yet another camera. John shudders and wonders how many there are, hoping there are none in the bathroom.  
  
2:33pm  
As Sherlock is dismantling the camera, John checks his phone and sees there is a message from Mycroft. It reads:  
Please keep your boyfriend in check. MH  
John angrily texts back:  
He's your brother! YOUkeep him in check! JW  
  
2:45pm  
As the camper approaches London, Greg tries to get them to have a bit of a tidy up. He hopes the hire place doesn't notice the damage - it's barely visible, anyway. Except for the lock on the bathroom door, as Sherlock so helpfully reminded Greg.  
  
2:56pm  
They have just entered London. Sherlock has begun asking whether they are there yet.  
  
3:14pm  
After dropping the camper back at the hiring firm, the group splits up and leaves as quickly as possible before someone notices the full extent of the damage or how sticky some parts of the camper are from the coke.  
  
3:38pm  
Molly, Greg, Anderson, Sally and Sherlock and John arrive at their respective homes. Molly settles down to watch a movie with Colin. Greg flops onto the couch with coffee and a donut and sends a text to Mycroft. Anderson meticulously arranges his new dinosaur friends on his shelf. Sally sits down just as episode one of the new season of _Glee_  begins. At 221b Baker Street, an argument about whose turn it was to get milk breaks out.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! The next chapter should be up soon. Please review, I'd appreciate any advice or constructive criticism.  
>  _Note: 'Pants' in England means underwear._


End file.
